Wednesday, January 26, 2011

14 days or 14 minutes

It seems like only yesterday that number was 34. We started a countdown calendar for Evan around that time. He I colored a bunch of notecards and we put numbers on them. We pinned it to our bulletin board and have changed it together everyday. We thought it would be a nice way for him to understand that we were counting down the days.

Here's the thing about 14. I need them. All 14 of them. Or so I keep telling myself. I still have freezer meals to make, activities I want to do with Evan and about a million photos to organize and back up on my computer. It seems that for each thing I cross off my list, five things get added. Funny how that always happens.

I'm in an anticipatory state. I know that a baby is coming, but I have no idea when. The element of surprise is exciting, but also very scary. There are so many unanswered questions. I am afraid of the unknown. At this point, I know what every day will bring me, but once the little princess arrives, that sense will probably disappear. I will be in a haze for a month.

No matter how confident I am in my choice to have a natural birth, I am still scared shitless. I already know what kind of work it will be. I'm also afraid of the unknown there. A birth plan is just that. When Evan was born, everything did not go according to plan or even close and I'm scared all those scary and bad things might happen again. And don't even get me started on breastfeeding. That didn't go as planned last time either.

It's not that I don't know or believe that everything will be alright; it's just that I feel vulnerable. Because I am. I'm totally vulnerable to what my body and my baby decide is right. There is very little I can do to control that.

Further, how the hell are we going to handle 2 kids? How? I know this is a totally normal feeling and I know that we will handle it and probably relatively gracefully too, but our family dynamic is about to change completely and I don't think you can be prepared for that.

So like I said, I have a list and I have for months. I have finished so many great projects lately and that makes me feel better. I know that I am an organized person and that I am setting myself up to be as prepared as I can be.

So here's to 14 days or 14 minutes..

1 comment:

Kelly said...

So post a picture already!!